I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
