I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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