The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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