this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
