Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
