Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
this just has baby written all over it
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
