last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
