if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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