forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
