I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
