i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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