He disabled his match.com account in front of me
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
