Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
honey bunches of taint.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
How does it feel to date your dad?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
