I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
