I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
