Do you still have your period?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
