hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
