Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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