Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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