I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
