so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
