You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
