I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
My dad just said "fuck circus"
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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