I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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