Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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