mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
