My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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