I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
