couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
