So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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