Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
