you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
