I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
operation harelip BJ is a go
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Liz is crying about burritos again.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
