just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
