I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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