Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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