Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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