I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
