grandma shit on top of the toilet
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
People with herpes should wear stickers.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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