Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
