my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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