You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
