don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
