I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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