Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
