You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
