cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
