im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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