dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
