you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Two words: nipple clamps
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