a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
It was confusing and full of hummus
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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